Lost Pup

When times are tough and I have no where to go to, I think I will always come back here...after 5 years since my last post lol.
Reason I came back here:
1. No one will see this except me I guess, since it's long abandoned
2. I don't feel like want to tell all these dark secrets to people, and yet a part of me just want to write it over here so that maybe some stranger will read this, and move on, at least part of my story is known by someone else
3. I have friends who are busy with life, and being me, I don't like to trouble people, even if it's just some small matter
4. I need to let some of my words out, before I implode.

So here I go

I feel like committing suicide at times, even though I'm already this old.
I'm always conflicting with myself on...my own self.
People who know me, will know that I have a great life for now.
Like I have a job that is actually fun, and what I've always wanted.
I have family, who actually care for me, but I don't really appreciate that, because I was wounded in a way since I was a kid.
It's really kinda bad of me to say this, but sometimes things that're done can't be undone.
And it's not their fault, it's just me, trying my best to move on but I fail at times.
I have awesome friends, who were with me thick and thin, no matter what, they are what I called a second family, the closest that I can have.
I have good pay for my job, no joke, for a fresh grad, this is really not bad.

And here I am thinking about suiciding myself away.
Wanting to end my life, from all these capitalism shyt and toxic world.
I keep telling to myself, that these are all just temporary bullshyt.
And one day I will be happy that I didn't commit suicide.

It's not like I have depression, maybe I have, but I don't think it's severe.
It's just.

Some gut feeling inside me.
Keep on telling me on why I need to live in this capitalism society.
Why people are all being so realistic, even myself.
I'm being very realistic.
And people keep telling me it's the process of growing up.
But if growing up means that I need to be realistic and stop seeing things for their good.
Then tbh, I prefer to just be underground
It's too hard to live this way

People who read this must be thinking: see, all the gen Y people, such strawberries, can't handle social pressure

Maybe I am, but it's just my way of thinking.
And I can't stop those thoughts.
What's the point of living when what we do is to work for 40 years and just die off?
Sorry but I'm some fucking low self esteem people who really just can't think that: oh you know that's why you need a purpose and bullfucking unicorn crap
Why work so hard, and what I do now is to earn money, and then the routine goes on and on

But on and on, I'm just someone who lacks emotional touches.
I had boyfriends, but I broke them up thinking: Why I need them when I can be fine on my own.
Sometimes I feel that if I have more emotions, things would be different.

I prefer to have friends over boyfriends and family, cause they are easier to maintain
They won't be sad if you didn't talk to them for a few days
They won't feel that they are obliged to care for you
And there are less attachments

Weird
I know
But family are sometimes really a pain
Sorry to say so
But why can't I go to KL and work
Ain't that my decision to make
And here they go saying that we should stick together
KL is too dangerous
I swear one day I will just explode, as if here is safe

I...
Just want to leave here
And get a fresh start
I do not know what to do over here

They tell me I have the freedom to go wherever I want
Whenever I want
But that's not all true
I still get nagged when I go off a short vacation
People keep asking me what's so good about KL
It's not about what's good to begin with
It's about the fresh start
A place that no one knows me
No strings attached
I can do whatever shyt that I want
I can just roam around a mall without feeling the need to be all gentle
Since I'm always clumsy

But all and all, these are just some rubbish that I need to flush out from my system
If blogging make me feel better
Then I think I should do this often
Problems with gen Y: We are so reliant on internet and all these electronic bullcrap
I really can't find anyone in my list to share these dark secrets and thoughts
Well I have one, who is currently auditing overseas, and I certainly don't want to burden that fella, while the fella has a lot of auditing on plate.
But mainly this is some really dark shyt that I won't want people to know
Over my dead body

Well sometimes I do feel grateful that I'm alive
The moments when  I go for vacation
And binge watch tv dramas

The funny thing about what happened to me now
Is that I finally got my own room
But I'm indirectly not allowed to furnish it
Cause it's hard to sweep the floor (according to someone)
Sounds so childish that I'm here ranting
But I need spaces as such to contain all my childish dark thoughts

I've always been a more depressed person
I've always know that
I don't fight back much
Cause I don't like the process of fighting back
Which will probably make people feel sad and annoyed
Sometimes people think that they must fight back for what's right
But have you ever wonder that during that process
So many people got hurted
Not like it's physical and can be seen
But those mentally injured and sacred
That you can't see
That's basically what happened to me
And I shall let it slide for now, maybe I will talk about it when I'm depressed again
But when I grew up
I realized that as much as I don't want to fight back
I need to do it on desperate measures.

And I hate that
And as time goes by
Not that I just stop fighting back
But I stop wanting for more
Because wanting more means that you will need to fight for things
And let's just leave it there

So yeah
This post is literally rants
And more rants
Sorry for those strangers who read this and feels like you've just wasted your 5 minutes.

But yeah, this is just an adult trying to figure life out.

没有不会停下来的绝望
你在烦恼什么吗？ -苏打绿